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Facing the Truth, Finding My Spiritual Ground Zero

by Jay Hopson
7/21/2008 / Mens Issues

Become a Christian and live the life victorious! Sounds great, but, the truth is that multitudes of Christians today are far from fully experiencing the life abundant our Lord promised. Positive visualization, goal setting and the attractor factor illustrated in "The Secret," seem to be based on biblical principles, but, have had little effect for some, including myself. We are flooded with sermons on how to live that abundant life, how to overcome and walk in righteousness, but somehow our walk and our talk seldom seem to resemble one another.

Immediately upon my salvation I began to stand upon the promise in Psalm 1:1-3. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth fruit in its season, whose leaf shall not wither, and whatever he does shall prosper."

Fifteen years later, I find myself questioning, "why do I not seem to be blessed, why did my season of fruit producing apparently pass me by, and, most of all, why is it that nothing I touch prospers? I think I have found the answer to those questions. You see, all the positive thinking and visualization in the world will get you nowhere, if you have no foundation upon which to build. Good seed must have good soil, and shifting sand is hardly good soil.

My life was a bit of a shambles in 1992 when the Lord captured my heart. I'd been a relatively successful cattle rancher in NE New Mexico. At the age of 35 I'd finally begun to question what life was all about. Having the mistaken impression that I was already a Christian, I believed that Jesus was God, but I had no clue what that meant to me personally. When salvation came it seemed anything but gradual. In fact my salvation was radical. Caught up in a zeal I had never known and with a great longing to serve the Lord, I changed my life dramatically, leaving the ranch soon afterwards and throwing myself into ministry in the nearby city of Clovis, NM.

Perhaps we all need a little wilderness to truly bring us to the point of obedience. In my case, you could say that my wilderness has lasted fifteen years. Year after year I've circled the same mountains time and again, always wondering, if my salvation was so radical, why were my deliverance, my redemption and my promised land so slow in arriving? Today, I can see, finally that His transforming power often works much more gradually than we can guess. And, yet, it is not only Him, the speed of our redemption has much to do with our response to His prompting.

You see, I circled those mountains with a limp, a besetting sin that acted as a millstone around my neck. No matter how much zeal I spent in pursuing Him and His ways, this sin kept dragging me back away from His blessing and destiny. Many of these years I spent fighting this sin. I cried out to the Lord year after year for deliverance. I counseled with numerous pastors and counselors and attended many healing and deliverance seminars, but the truth is that I was battling against the symptom, not the root issue. My feeble blows were never hitting the mark, because my aim was way too shallow.

The reason for this was that my sin seemed totally unacceptable to speak about or to acknowledge in the Church as it is today. To admit I struggled with pornography meant that I might not be accepted in many circles. Though I confessed this sin to my pastors and mentors, I felt it not wise to acknowledge it openly. And, most unfortunate of all, in all of my counseling sessions, there was one episode in my past that I made certain never came up. I felt surely, God wouldn't expect me to admit that childhood experience to another person; surely, it was alright if I only confessed that one to Him alone. Every time I came close to getting into a relationship that would force me to open up about the most painful experience in my life, I would run. That experience had ripped my very existence creating a crater of pain that I was loathe to revisit.

I never expected to speak of this incident aloud to anyone, much less to write about it. In fact I was determined that it would always be my secret. Little did I know that the Lord was slowly but surely bringing me lower and lower, cornering me in a pit of financial pressure and propelling me into a position where there was simply no way out. He surrounded me with people I could finally trust and I began to see there was no option, but to start sifting through the ashes of my past, and clearing away the self protective ruins by telling my truth publicly, finally digging deeply enough to hit my spiritual ground zero.

I'd spent all that zeal forging ahead trying to build something for God, and everything I built came crashing down, because it was not built upon the Rock. It's easy to find ways to serve the Lord outwardly. In fact I spent several years in pastoral leadership roles priding myself for being on the cutting edge of the next move of God. It was just too difficult to look inside, finally face the ashes of my past, the source of my grief, and begin the slow painful process of clearing away the residue of destruction upon which I'd been trying to build.

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Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house upon the rock; and the rain descended, the floods came and the winds blew and beat upon that house and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
Mathew 7: 24 & 25

Finding that rock to build upon, in my case, took some digging. As I began to dig up these memories, tears of pain flowed frequently. My consolation is that I now know, this was Godly sorrow. Every time I tell this story, I still experience pain, but I also tap into more truth and cleanse my life, my soul with His light. I wish the graphic nature of what I relate here weren't necessary, but I've come to realize that the more detail I bring into the light the more poison and venom I release from my heart. I also believe there are many who may receive healing by hearing these details.

These memories are slightly foggy, but I know they did take place. I've heard the stories of many abuse survivors and have found the same is true for them all. Our memories become foggy, as a thick cloud of denial builds up over the years, some of which is good because it shields us from the things we're unable to bear, but too much denial becomes a breeding ground for bitterness, shame and self destructive behavior. When we face the pain, we begin to grow again. I now understand that there was little the Lord could do to bless me, because for years I have subconsciously been trying to pay for my sins, to live the life of the person I felt I really was, to bear the blame I felt the kind of behavior I am about to relate merits, unworthy of the abundant life, undeserving of anything but failure.

There are some verses in Colossians 2 that pretty well summarize this. " Do not let anyone cheat you of your reward, taking delight in false humility and self imposed religion." You see, I have cheated myself of reward. I have no one else to blame. I have simply been a prisoner of my own past, a prisoner of the ash heap upon which I could build nothing worthwhile. Shame and self protection kept me from shedding light into the areas I am now opening up to you.

Somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7 a homosexual relationship developed between another person and myself. I shall not name names here as I do not wish to point fingers. As well as I can remember, it began innocently enough. I can't remember thinking that it was wrong at the time, until when I was about age 9; it progressed to where this other person wanted to perform anal sex. This, I seemed to know was wrong, and I struggled with both the physical pain and the humiliation of it until I took steps to stop it. The steps I took were not easy, but even in the midst of them I did not tell anyone what was happening, even though I knew my parents would have stopped it immediately.

Perhaps that one point shaped much of my future, that unwillingness to tell someone; but rather to hide the disgrace and humiliation deep inside myself. In many ways I wonder if had been able to open up to someone about everything at that time, if things would have been different in my life. I think a habit developed then and there and I chose never to tell anyone, which affected a great deal of my life. The physical part of the nightmare ended in 1966, but my reluctance to face it, to deal with it and bring it into the light severely hampered my Christian walk.

Keeping the matter secret somehow added to its power over me. Had I not become a Christian, who knows what kind of effect it would have had on me, but since I did become a Christian, my heavenly Father loved me too much to allow me to keep this under wraps. This bottling up of emotions and pain triggered a distorted self image, an inward turning perception that bred selfishness and self-pity as well as bitterness for decades. The horror of not feeling able to tell anyone, of not being able to get help literally warped my personality, breeding self loathing and self destructive behavior which simply became an habitual way of life.

I still struggle with my perception of homosexuals. I know God loves them and hates the sin, but I will admit openly to being somewhat of a homophobe. There are still forgiveness issues that I need to work through with that whole episode.

Perhaps because of these events I became a prisoner of pornography at an early age and all the remorse and shame that go along with that addiction clung to me for years. I think deep inside I felt I was perverted since I had engaged in those activities and I allowed that sense of perversion to drive me deeper into the addiction. I continued for years in this behavior which only inspired more isolation, selfishness and hopelessness. I became my own judge and my relationships with family, friends and all of those around me have been deeply affected. My reluctance to open up about the matter even when undergoing counseling prolonged the pain and empowered the lie.

However, I now know that the sin was a part of me, but it is not me. Christ forgave and transformed me fully, once and for all on that cross. I have now asked for His forgiveness for not forgiving myself. I am on the road to recovery. It will be a process and not an over night occurrence, but I am sensing deep down more authentic hope than I have ever known. For the first time in my Christian life I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I have the ability to walk in purity and holiness with His grace leading he way. That which is built from this day forward in my life can be of eternal value and worth.

Jesus told Peter, " Upon this rock I build my Church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." As I dig away those ashes of deception, denial and self protection that have acted as shifting sand, I know I have now finally touched that rock. I encourage everyone who reads this testimony to dig deep in your own life. Don't be afraid to relate your deepest pain to those who love you. Get it into the light! Ask the Lord to help you step off the shifting sand of shadow, innuendo and half-truths onto the rock of revelation. Reveal to yourself and your loved ones the depths of your pain and allow Him to restore to you that which has been lost.

As I look back over the long journey, it appears to be a trail of tears, but those who sow in tears really do reap in joy. As one pastor often says, "your source of pain will be your source of rain" (spiritual). For most of my Christian life I ran from my pain, but since facing the truth and clearing away the ashes, I am actually starting to feel like that new creature we're supposed to become upon salvation. Behold, all things are become new!

Jay Hopson is slowly but surely finding his way into the freelance writing field. Although a former pastor, he has struggled for years with direction and vision. He seems to be just now finding his niche in the Kingdom through writing. "I have always loved writing that springs from the heart and tells of Truth gained through experience.
I hope to be able to come to the place where I am able to write articles that heal and change the heart, not just educate. Words can be of eternal value, if they come from the throne.
If I can possibly attain to that, then I have done something worthwhile."

Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com-CHRISTIAN WRITERS

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