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Living on Two Trajectories

by Anne O'Donnell
6/07/2021 / Testimonies

Trajectory: a path followed under the action of given forces; a chosen or taken course. Typically used in conjunction with physics and engineering, the word also refers to personal growth and intentional steps taken over time to achieve a discernible long term outcome. In addition, it also alludes to pathways a victim of circumstance travels on against his or her will, with no alternate option to change direction.

Prior to knowing the Lord, I didn’t know I should be on a single trajectory in life and found myself on multiple pathways headed towards dangerous destinations with no means of reaching safe goals. After coming to know the Lord, I’d like to say I remained on one path leading to the discovery of my worth and the fulfillment of God’s plans for my life, but relationship conflicts, a history of mental instability, and bad decisions hampered the fulfillment of his will for my life. I held high aspirations of removing the obstacles that fought fiercely to overthrow my ambition to feel emotionally whole, and tragically, too many failed attempts to secure inner fulfillment in my marriage resulted in plans to end my life because the pressure to endure another day became too unbearable.

I thought for sure my new-found faith would be enough to elevate me above the inner turmoil I experienced and would bring a reprieve from the daily torments plaguing my mind. But I was wrong. I had only partial control over my chemical imbalances which continued to destroy the slightest hint of hope for a meaningful and happy existence.

I anticipated my belief in God’s word would act as a shield against the onslaught of failures, but in reality, I had to learn how to overcome adversity by trusting God’s working power within me. It was a job I wasn’t prepared for, but one I grew into with each passing season. I began to experience how to live inside my fallen nature while the spirit of God released his plans and purposes through me to accomplish great things for his kingdom, thus, allowing me to recognize the presence of two trajectories operating simultaneously.

The words anxiety, depression, and mental illness stayed off the radar as I grew into young adulthood, so I had very little reference to discern the reasons for continuing to feel miserable. Upon becoming a Christian, I learned of God’s promise to make us new creations in Christ, and somehow assimilated it to mean I would automatically be set free from the crippling emotions I had known most of my life. But a transformation did not occur within the time frame I expected, and I longed for an explanation of why two forces pulled me in opposite directions while I remained in the crossfire.

Inner conflicts related to depression and paranoia remained a part of my everyday life as I sought to serve the Lord wholeheartedly. How did I arrive at this place of juxtaposing mental health and Christianity? While my mind stayed bound up in shackles of fear and inferiority, my spirit soared high above my natural limitations, giving me hope to stay on course long enough to see what God might do next. To this day, I am amazed how God worked through me, despite my feeling grossly disqualified to offer any ray of hope to the wounded souls he put in my path.

I can better illustrate how I operated as a Christian during the years of heightened inner conflict by describing scenarios of living inside broken relationships and chemical imbalances while serving others and struggling to keep feelings of despair and defeat hidden from sight.

For example, an emotional meltdown from disappointments could suck the life out of me in the morning, and by mid-afternoon I’d be on task either cooking dinner for a friend, or praying with someone on the phone. There were days I’d be fighting unbearable depression triggered by a variety of reasons, while simultaneously planning my next ministry outreach or engaging in volunteer work. I would often find myself crying uncontrollably from hopelessness, and hours later, encouraging a young mom feeling overwhelmed with motherhood. It wasn’t at all uncommon for me to feel destitute during the day, yet facilitate an evening of activities designed to bring hope and encouragement to battered women finding refuge in the crisis shelter.

This pattern of living on two opposite trajectories became my norm; I could find myself engulfed in one or the other, or both, at any given time. I kept the truth of these conflicting battles undetectable so no one would think less of me or accuse me of being unstable.

I look back now and realize those two trajectories really did play a part in helping me reach multiple destinations that tied into the bigger picture - even though I couldn’t see it at the time. God continued to propel me forward and validated my worth in spite of the setbacks threatening to leave me feeling helpless and hopeless. I never lost my ability to say yes to God, because for me, being used for kingdom purposes meant I counted for something and he was fulfilling his call on my life. God’s purpose gave me extreme joy and satisfaction. Helping others brought worth to my existence and brought me closer to the realm where blessings became visible and I could touch the love of God in tangible ways.

While I struggled daily to survive my low points, pressed to wonder how I would find the strength to carry on and maintain, God saw fit to decorate my life with his riches and ready me for whatever task lay ahead. While sadness remained a part of my reality, God infused me with his power to reach out to a lost and hurting world using his resources. I could be emotionally bankrupt, yet write letters to missionaries expressing my trust in God for their goals on the mission field. I could be on the verge of giving up and ending it all while actively mentoring victims of human trafficking. I could be silently suffering from inferiority and low self-esteem, then host a motherhood group to encourage young women in the Lord. I could be fighting severe anxiety yet find myself reaching deep into someone’s life with the Word of God to bring them hope. Depression and ministry can co-exist.

How could all this be possible? How did my depleted state of mind end up becoming a full tank of God’s love for others? How is it comprehensible he uses my voice and heart to manifest his presence when I feel so inadequate? I have only one answer: “...my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). These words are the miracle of my life, a living testimony of God’s sufficient grace amplified in the stripped and damaged reservoirs of my soul.

If asked on a questionnaire, would I ever choose to walk through fiery trials as a means to learn God’s all-sufficient grace, my answer would be no. Even so, God still uses seemingly impossible situations as divine appointments to display his glory, knowing full well I will be made stronger in the process. While I’ve not been the most cooperative child in his school of holiness, fighting and flailing when panic strikes, his trajectory for my life has always been to make me more like him, as he still finds his resting place in the chaos of my soul. I trust God’s power, knowing his joy and blessing will follow.

So when he picks me out of the crowd and readies me for a distinct mission, I am humbled as he clothes me with his strength and empowers me for ministry.

Because of his kindness, the Lord holds me close, reinforcing a gentle urgency to carry out his tasks. In his mercy, he promises to guide me along the trajectory mapped out for my existence. I can now embrace the full meaning of Paul’s words in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

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