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Respect for authority: a key to parenting

by Peter Eleazar
6/01/2007 / Parenting

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behaviour in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: "Wow, way to go Mom".

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. "When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately", otherwise by definition the line has been moved and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyse their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach willl restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom "8 simple rules", Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate's rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

Peter Eleazar, is a public speaker, counsellor, strategy consultant and author of the book "Dead Reckoning", which he wrote for those seeking a more significant walk with God.

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