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The self-esteem giant

by Peter Eleazar  
6/01/2007 / Family

I am intrigued by the issues of self-esteem. I don't doubt that it is a major issue across society, but I am not sure we can realistically insulate our children from loss of self esteem, any more than we can restore the self esteem of those that protect them, their parents and teachers.

Don't get me wrong, we certainly do see degrees of self confidence in life, which suggest that at least there is hope. However, the factors leading to the loss of self esteem are complex, It is just too simplistic to isolate the issue to the schoolyard and it is equally simplistic to assume we can make it go away.

I was in the army, a very harsh and confrontational environment that existed to equip soldiers for battle. No allowances could be made for those who would fall apart in battle, so the system always weeded out weaker individuals. These were handled with appropriate compassion and many were reintegrated into less stressful roles, whilst some left and a few committed suicide.

As a young man I had to confront these issues, because the issues were real and near to us. I came away convinced that although life really was hard in the army, most of us had a pain threshold that kept us above the pain. With time, I saw recurring patterns in our school, where I am on the board of governors. Time and again I saw patterns of deviant behaviour or evidence of diminished self esteem that traced back to parents. If it was a socially pervasive issue, I would have expected such patterns of behaviour to be the norm, not the exception.

It led me to the conclusion that children are generally equipped for most of what life throws at them. I also concluded that a vital key to equipping a child for life is parenting.

One of my most notable observations has been that many children emerge successfully from deicient parenting, which reflects how forgiving parenting really is.

Thus I have seen children face really disappointing experiences and still love their parents, which offers great hope to parents who feel their parenting is inadequate.

I suppose its fair to observe that I did see some children drawn from seemingly privileged environments who also came off the tracks, but the causes were the same even if they looked different: the approval of parents and the time that parents spent with their children in instruction, loving discipline, relationship and support were key determinants of self esteem.

The problem with this line of argument, is that despite all the very best intentions, very few parents get it right - actually I don't think anyone does. John Eldredge wrote a great book, "Wild at Heart", which suggests that we are all wounded by our fathers, albeit unwittingly. I concur with that view and wrote my own book, "Dead Reckoning", which explores a biblical principle from Romans 8, which observes that "we are all subject to vanity".

It is our underlying vanity (sense of worthlessness, fear of failure, vulnerability), that lies at the root of materialism, competitive capitalism, one-upmanship, epidemic levels of psychosomatic disease and even wars. It is the very thing that capitalists exploit to separate you from your money, by playing on your vulnerabilities, so to induce you to buy a myriad of must-have products that might just enhance your self esteem.

In my book, I allude to fathering, but argue that the need for approval from our fathers will never be fulfilled, but our search for a greater Father can be met. We eventually must all face crises that trace back to our core vulnerabilities and which become the place of reckoning where we finally confront our issues and reset our compasses on a more certain beacon.

I was worried about my youngest son, who had an under-developed cortex that created a great tension between his ideals and his abilities. It also led to him being vulnerable to bullying. I considered sending him to self-defence classes, but then realized that would only cover his soul with a shield, a hard outer crust. It would not address the core vulnerability that plagues all of us in one way or another. So I worked on building up his character and giving him models of others who had to overcome giants, men like the biblical David. David was small, overlooked and an unlikely hero, but he faced his lions, his bears and than his giants until he stood tall in the land as a relevant leader.

The self esteem issue is a giant and we must all face our ultimate appointment with that giant if we are ever to be free and able to walk tall in the world.

Peter Eleazar, is a public speaker, counsellor, strategy consultant and author of the book "Dead Reckoning", which he wrote for those seeking a more significant walk with God.

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