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The Irregular Behavior of the Alcoholic Keeps Us Attached to Him/her

by Toby Drews  
8/14/2010 / Relationships

THIS IS A FULLY EXCERPTED CHAPTER FROM THE "GETTING THEM SOBER, VOLUME 4" BOOK, copyright by Toby Rice Drews, 1999. See 32 more fully excerpted chapters from 4 of her books at the award-winning website www.GettingThemSober.com




Chapter 4: The Irregular Behavior of the Alcoholic Keeps Us Attached

When an alcoholic gives us comfort and love on an irregular basis when we cannot know when he or she will be nice we are much more bound to them than if they gave us love on a regular basis.

The reason for this strong bonding with someone who gives love inconsistently is that, since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it.

Therefore, we pay a lot of attention to him, watching out for when he might be loving. All this "paying a lot of attention" bonds us very tightly to the object or person to whom we are paying so much attention. This "closeness" is not necessarily "love." It is often more of a bonding due to that intensity, mistaking it for a "close relationship."

We do not have to pay such close attention at all to the person who comes home at 6 p.m., is nice, says hello, reads the paper, helps with dinner and cleanup, watches TV, and goes to bed. We know the outcome of our interacting with him; it's normal. We expect the kindness; we get it regularly. We have no need to spend any time looking for it.

That's probably why, in healthy families, people seem "less close" than they do in alcoholic families.

So, when you berate yourself for "being so attached," remember that much of that attachment is not "your fault."

And, even though you've been programmed to respond in a super-attentive way to the alcoholism, just knowing that can help you to begin to detach from the sickening effects of an alcoholic on your life.

* * *

And, if you are dating, please don't worry that you will "turn" a nice relationship into a sick one (because of past patterns). If we pick decent people to be with, we can't "turn" them into indecent people. If we act in old, anxious ways, and if we are in self-help groups or counseling to end destructive patterns, nice people are patient with us, have compassion for us, and give us time to heal.

by Toby Rice Drews, author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober" book series. See her award-winning website for dozens of free articles for families of alcoholics. www.GettingThemSober.com

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