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Miscarriage: A Note To A Friend
by Anna Wood If your friend has lost a child to miscarriage, sometimes the very best thing you can do is to not try to comfort her but rather take her in your arms and hold her as she cries. Not too many people think of that as important (I've lost three children to miscarriage and I've never had anyone, except my husband, do that for me ). If you feel that words are needed, tell her that you are sorry for her loss and that you hurt for her. Let her know her pain is real, that the pain is to be expected and that she has every right to feel the way she does. Since people can't see the baby that she lost (especially if it was a first trimester miscarriage), they tend to downplay the loss and the pain of it. But, whether anyone else can understand or identify with the pain, the mother who has lost a child feels it greatly; it is as if the world has opened up underneath her and swallowed her whole. For her, nothing will ever be the same: she is a mother whose child has died and she needs someone to acknowledge that. Be gentle with her as she grieves and then patient with her as she moves towards healing; don't expect her to "just get over it". You don't just get over the death of a loved one. Let her cry on your shoulder, offer a box of tissues and comfort her by your presence. It just might be the very best gift that you could offer her. Don't try to cheer her up or tell her to get over it. This isn't a small thing and it shouldn't be treated like it. If you have the time, then do something tangible for her: bring her dinner for one or two nights, purchase and bring her some easy to prepare meals for her family such as cereal and frozen dinners or canned soups, clean her house, wash her clothes, wash dishes. People tend to say, "Let me know if you need anything" knowing that the person it is said to probably won't want to inconvenience them, and thus, will never call. If you want to help, then find something that needs to be done and do it. If you aren't near enough to be with the family in person, then send a card or a letter and just simply say, "I'm sorry"; there really is nothing else to say and nothing else that they want to hear. If she has other children, offer to baby sit for a day or a night or just take the children to the park or out to a fast food restaurant to eat and play. Remember, they suffered a loss, too. They might be too young to comprehend it, but if they do, then they are hurting, also, and, if they don't, then they are still going to need extra attention as mom (and dad) heal from the loss of their sibling. Remember, that this was a baby that was lost, a baby that was loved and will be missed, a baby that was, once, very much alive; acknowledge that. Another thing that you can do is to offer your prayers. The family, and especially, the mom, need them very much now. If you are a Christian and they are not, they need your prayers even more. And don't just pray once or twice for them and then forget; remember to keep them in your prayers for the next several months. If the mother was far enough along that a "due date" had been set, remember it. When the time approaches, send a note or card to let the family know that you remember and that they aren't alone in remembering the brief life of their child. Be Jesus to them. They'll always remember you for it. Anna Wood is a Christian wife, mother of 9 children, homeschooler and writer. Her desire is to know, love, and obey God and bring Him glory and help others to do the same. Her website is called The Apples of Gold and is at http://theapplesofgold.com Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |