Our family have been outside observers of the United States.

While we live and work in East Asia, and have considered the region our home over the last two and a half decades, we've grown accustomed to periodic returns to the U.S. to visit family and friends, take care of special medical issues or aging parents, and to settle kids into college life.

Each stateside time, we are again conscious of and appreciate the complexities of U.S. culture: the individualism and independent spirit that run parallel with levels of friendliness, approachability and openness that usually take much longer to build with people in Asia. Populations in Asia are generally more homogeneous, so the diversity within the States is immediately noticeable, whether we re-enter in Los Angeles, Atlanta, New York or Chicago.

On our returns, we've also found the subtle changes in U.S. culture interesting, changes that are not easily detected through online news or video calls with extended family members. I remember coming back to the "trans-fat" craze, with all the food labels and warnings. Next, we noticed QR codes had become a big thing, and another shocker was the tattoo explosion, when it seemed to us like everyone and their grandmother had gotten inked up.

Covid has now moved us out of Asia and back into the States for an extended period of forced sabbatical. This time, we've noticed that more people have cut their TV cables and now stream programs online, and home deliveries of groceries and goods are a new normal - probably another by-product of covid.

A cultural/societal shift?

But I think something more significant has shifted in the culture since we were here three years ago. As we go deeper into conversations with people and begin to touch on more sensitive topics we sometimes sense a level of defensiveness and even fear that we had not noticed before.

We find a hesitancy in ourselves to engage. As we've heard from others whom we would consider fairly objective, they confirm this societal shift.

I feel some disappointment about this new hesitancy to share openly and freely with others on important topics. I have a terribly short mental list now of people I feel that I could enjoy friendly debate with.

Over the last few days I've found help from James and Jesus in the New Testament.

I'd like to process "out loud" below a few points toward better conversations with people, especially when interactions center around more high-pressure topics.

* The proving ground for whether or not I will engage well publicly is how well I engage privately, with those closest to me

James was the half-brother of Jesus and a leader in the first-century church.

I'm struck with what James' early life must have been like. He grew up in the same household with Jesus, along with other siblings. If anyone in the history of humankind had a greater opportunity to observe a person who engaged perfectly in useful, helpful dialogue, it had to be Jesus' own family members.

Here we have a glimpse into Jesus' childhood. When he was twelve, Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Jerusalem for the Passover festival:

"When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents were unaware of this. Assuming that he was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. They they started to look for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers...and Jesus increased in wisdom and in years and in divine and human favor," (Luke 2:42-47, 52).

I doubt that James and Jesus' other half-siblings were unaware of this incident. The bible records that Mary and Joseph took three days to double back to Jerusalem and finally find Jesus in the temple. So much is not recorded about Jesus and his interactions with his family and community, but in this case James must have heard from his parents about Jesus' dialogue with the temple teachers.

If there were ever an opportunity for James or anyone else in Jesus' family to have found a shred of duplicity in Jesus, or some gap between who he was at home and what he actually said and did in public, then I believe they would have easily found it.

So, one question I need to ask myself is, how much care do I take with my own family members and closest friends to listen and ask questions, and stay engaged well with them?

* I must choose to listen for the purpose of understanding and learning

As I look at Jesus' larger sphere of influence, his impact on James' life is evident as James came into his own public ministry as an elder of the church in Jerusalem, and as James addresses his New Testament letter to churches that had scattered outside Palestine because of persecution.

This diaspora was made up mostly of Jews who had come to believe in and follow Jesus as Messiah. Not only had they experienced the oppressive Roman occupation of Palestine, but they were facing significant pressure from Jewish leaders to continue keeping the Old Covenant laws, customs and traditions.

Internally, the churches of the diaspora found themselves in strained relationships between rich and poor. The poorer church members now found themselves gathered together with the very rich who had been exploiting them by withholding wages due them.

So when James' letter is circulated and read aloud among these early churches during this chaotic period, the listeners, I believe, were in desperate need for guidance in how to live and work and follow the teachings of Christ together, even in the midst of these pressures that threatened to pull them apart.

Into this messiness, this cultural/societal shift of the early Christian church, James must intervene and guide. In the introduction of his letter, James gives these instructions:

"You must understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger..." (James 1:19).

Hmm. "...quick to listen..."

I think that James is not simply talking about "hearing someone out."

As I've tried, on occasion, to note my own thoughts while someone else is speaking, I admit that at times I'm often preoccupied with formulating my response to whatever they're saying; I'm waiting for them to stop speaking.

James' "be quick to listen" means listening with the intent of understanding what's being said.

As I go into what may be a difficult conversation, or even as I begin to write something for a post, how willing am I to do some self-examination?

For example, am I ready to listen to others with understanding? Do I really have a desire to listen at this level? Who are my readers? Am I willing to prepare and think about what their point of view might be, and what their context is?

* Sometimes dialogue works better if I say less

"...slow to speak..."

While I've gotten into trouble for saying too much, I've seldom regretted saying too little.

Later in his letter, James details the dangers of the tongue:

"...no one can tame the tongue - a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse people, made in the likeness of God" (James 3:8-9).

When I do speak, do my comments and questions prove to the one I'm speaking to that I've gotten some grasp on their point of view? How willing am I to start where the listener is, instead of where I think they should be in their understanding of my perspective?

* I short-circuit constructive dialogue when I let my emotions rule over me

"... slow to anger..."

If we were to survey the New Testament and study every encounter Jesus had with others, I believe we would see a person who knew with confidence exactly who he was, where he was going, and who treated each individual with every bit of dignity and respect they were due as an image-bearer of our Creator God.

When I find anger, frustration or some other emotion rising inside as I interact with someone on a difficult subject, how do I make myself slow down and respond appropriately?

Do I want to persuade with reason and sound arguments, or do I merely want to "shout louder" to make sure they've heard my point?

Like Christ, if I'm confident in who i am, and where I'm going, then why would I react out of my emotions instead of responding calmly with an attitude of respect and an openness to learn?

Ah to be more like Jesus!

Over the last few years, I've moved into the area of personnel training and development with an international company. I enjoy learning and following my curiosity.