Through my husband, the LORD helped me understand that, by being more loving and also tweaking just a few words in certain phrases I spoke, I could communicate with him (and others!) more effectively. 

I had started talking to my spouse (whom I love, admire, respect, and appreciate very much!) about an outreach in the community that I was planning, and that another woman at church had asked me to lead. 

The LORD had done much healing and restoring in our relationship the past few months, and we had not had an argument in a long while. After 16 years of marriage, with much conflict throughout 98% of those years, that was outstanding to me!

Truly, there was finally "peace in the land," and it had been worth going through all the struggles and changes we'd had to go through to get the carnality out of us and allow the Spirit of God to be in charge of our marriage and ourselves. 

So this seeming resistance to what I knew was God's Plan was once again a slight shock. 

"What?!" I said, feeling a bit defensive. "Don't you know this is not about me, but about getting God's work done? I know it's not my flesh nor the devil; it's gotta be God!"

At least, praise the LORD, I didn't say, "What is your problem?!" (as I had often done through the years, out of great frustration and confusion, when I could not understand at all why my husband, who loved the LORD and served him with all his efforts, was resisting my ideas about how to reach people with the Good News of Jesus!)

Praise the LORD, the "bear claws" and bitterness and anger and such that used to be there, and which had usually not helped anything ("The anger of man does not promote the righteousness of God."--James 1:20) were gone, as was almost all the defensiveness. God had truly, over a period of a few decades (but better late than never!), helped me submit to Him and work with His Spirit, to truly heal me of past hurts and deliver me from wrong roots. 

Hallelujah!

Like another well-known Christian leader, I had been a "fighter." I was quickly ready to defend whatever and whomever I thought was right, no matter what anyone else thought about it. 

After all, I knew GOD was for me, so who could be against me (Romans 8:31)?

Right. However, I realize God is for all of us, and for what is right, in every situation--like doing outreach to reach people for Christ. 

He is always for that, if it's done with the right motive; to lift Him up, that all men may be drawn to Him (James 12:32). 

The LORD Jesus, Who is the Living Word (John 1:1-5), said only what His Father God told Him to say, and He did only what His Father God told Him to do (John 12:49). Hallelujah!

The rest of us are working on (should be!) controlling our thoughts, and thus what we say (Luke 6:45).  

(I do ask the LORD, as soon as I'm awake at whatever hour, to put His words in my mouth. Sometimes, I do that more than once a day, especially before I teach. I tell Him out loud that I yield to His Spirit.) 

As we continued to talk, my husband seemed defensive, and started asking about details, implying (it seemed to me; perhaps I was wrongly inferring!) that I was in error, and this was a bad idea. 

This did not make sense to me, especially since we'd done an outreach like this last year, and he had gone and enjoyed himself. Besides that, he had spent a lot of time and effort creating and recording his guitar instrumental version of many beloved Christmas carols. 

I asked him a few questions, probing to discover why he was acting like he used to do--which had caused major problems in our relationship for many years. But I knew he was a new man now, and I had been changed in many ways as well. The LORD had helped us to grow up and, as the LORD told me years ago, to "take the emotion out of it, and just do it." 

Ah! That was it--the emotion (negative, obviously) that was wrapped up in this. 

First, I remembered I was not fighting my beloved (Ephesians 6:12), but the enemy; the spirit of resistance, the anti-Christ spirit that tries to hinder the work of God. So I took authority over those spirits in the all-powerful Name of Jesus! 

I also took authority in the Name of Jesus over strife, offense, and fear. (Almost always, the spirit of fear, which we have not been given by God (Psalm 34:4, 2 Tim. 1:7)--which is never from God, Who is love (I John 4:8) and peace and joy and grace and faith and more (Gal 5:22)--is at the root of resistance of any plan to reach people for God!)

Then, instead of withdrawing--which I used to do, and which is certainly good if things are really heated!--I reached over and took my husband's hand, and started thanking him for all the times he had (finally, usually, but finally) agreed to accompany me or at least support me in some way (financially or otherwise) on such ventures. 

I reminded him of many ways he had and was currently expanding the Kingdom of God, and that I knew that was his heart.  I told him I loved him, and even got up and hugged him. 

(Dr. Mark Barclay taught us both in Bible school years ago that married couples should hold hands during arguments. It is a good idea, if you can overcome negative emotions, and help yourself do that!)

He is a gentle man, and a gentleman, and has excellent self-control. Praise the LORD. 

We were (unlike some times in the past, especially with me), staying calm, and looking at this much more spiritually than in the past. Praise God! 

(My beloved, by the way, is very humble, and courageous, and teachable. He loves the Word and lives it. I'm so thankful for him!)

So we both knew that any resistance to the Spirit of God was not right. 

After a few other statements and questions, and breaking the mammon spirit of pressure (fear, really)off of him, I gently asked him how and if he even wanted to be involved, and if he ever wanted me to approach him about any such thing in the future. 

I reminded him politely that I could plan everything myself, and do things myself or recruit other people. I also reminded him I'd been praying about such (and he'd been praying and proclaiming over me for the LORD to use me in more ways, so this was part of the answer to his prayer, although--wisely and politely!--I did not mention that!)

The LORD helped me ask him how he'd like me to mention such in the future. 

Through my physical affection during the 'storm,' and my calm voice; me bragging on his past support and efforts; and me actually asking him to tell me how he wanted me to state things, we had a breakthough!

While he was realizing his "chokehold," (and confessed this and asked my forgiveness, then again the next morning--to which I replied, "No condemnation!" (John 3:18, Romans 8:1-2), he told me that, going forward (That's the only direction to go! (Exodus 14:15, and Galatians 5:25), he would like me to do this: say, "Darling, I am going to be involved in (whatever outreach or project). Would you like to help?"

That little word, "help," he told me (not to mention what he didn't mention, that I would politely ask if he'd like to help!), took the pressure off.  He realized, he told me, that he had been taking "ownership," which in most of the instances through the years he realized mean to him, "the care/weight/responsibility" for.  So, he cast his cares on the LORD, and I broke off of him every false obligation, in the Name of Jesus!

Where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17)!

My husband is a leader, very disciplined, responsible, and self-motivated. He loves God, and loves helping others.  However, when he revealed that to me, it made total sense!

So the LORD always helps us to get the victory, Hallelujah!

Here are my two quick tips:

(1) Be polite (ask the LORD for Grace upon your lips (Proverbs 22:11) in every situation, as much as possible. If strife (disagreement) starts, try to overcome with loving words and actions. If it persists, go away from the person(s) as much as possible, and pray for the peace of the LORD (Proverbs 20:3). 

(2) Pray for wisdom (I often do this in my heart, even if not out loud. James 1:5).

(3) Rehearse the good, especially good things the other person(s) has done, to encourage them and set your mind(s) on good things (Colossians 3:1-4). 

(4) Humble yourself, and ask the other person(s) how they would like you to approach them--and even exact words to use. Things that are not a big deal to you, may be a huge deal to others--even to those who are mature Believers.  This can be part of using your endeavors to heal yourself.

With God's help, you can do this. He has healed and changed my heart (through a series of awareness and repentance, and learning to be more thankful for my husband and others, as well as speaking the Word of God over myself, worship, prayer, church attendance, and just letting Love rise up in me more! It's a process for each person, but very worth it!), and if God can help me be much more like Him, He can and will certainly help you!

Go for it!

Through books, courses, presentations, service, prayer, worship, and more, Tonja and her husband live to exalt God. Her series for girls, P.O.W.E.R. GIRL ADVENTURES, is now out (books I-V), along with LEGACY; YOUR HOLY HEALTH: VISIONS OF THE KING, and more. See the "River Rain Creative" YT channel.