I have finally learned, through many years of marriage, to stop defending myself to my husband.  Or, rather, I have learned to say much less and direct my anger, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and any other negative emotion toward the enemy, who is often the source of the problem. 

Sometimes, though, it's just flesh--selfishness, on my husband's part or mine. That's why people without being submitted to God are so terrible; they want their way, and often, at the expense of others!

Anyway, I have learned to realize old patterns of strife starting to break out, and to avoid them as much as possible--like the Bible says to, for anger never works righteousness (although there is a righteous anger, but that's against the enemy, not people). 

Sigh. Yes, the flesh just wants to let him have it; blast him with what I think. Or, my flesh used to. But I've finally learned that, even if I get my way, it's not always the best.

I want God's way. Sometimes He's used my husband to protect me from a wrong decision, so here's what I've learned to do: Recognize the source of the negative feelings (usually the devil, but sometimes from hurts in the past. Then, if it's a repeated pattern, forgive whomever hurt you, ask the LORD to forgive YOU where you've missed it, and ask Him to cleanse and heal your heart and help you to forget the past and focus on Him and all the good He's done--and WILL do for you!

The secret is immediately refocusing on Christ!), and if you must say anything before you go to another room, outside, or somewhere else for a bit (or hours, if needed!), say, "I love you and I take authority in the Name of Jesus over every wrong spirit and emotion, and plead the Blood of Jesus over this marriage and around our minds!"  

On occasion, as I've realized condemnation through the years (which is NEVER from God, although He convicts us to repent when we need to, but that's different!), I've sometimes stated, "I'm not doing anything wrong, and I refuse to feel guilty." However, that focuses on ME and not my husband. I used to attack him when I felt attacked, and that never solves anything.

So here we are. 

Another excellent way to combat potential strife is to start singing praise out loud, pray in the Spirit, speak Scriptures, or just start thanking the LORD out loud for His goodness. It gets your mind in alignment with your spirit more, and brings glory to God.  

There are many reasons why He tells us to "Let peace dwell in your hearts and be thankful," as Colossians 3:5 says.

The LORD will help us remember that "This too shall pass," so the faster we refocus on something pleasant, the better. 

Then, we ultimately trust the LORD to "counsel, comfort, and convict" our husbands; to speak to his heart and mind as only the LORD can do.  Many times, as I've avoided strife, my dear husband (who really is a mighty man of God; humble, teachable, a faithful tither and giver of his money and time and talents; and who loves God and then me devotedly) has come to me and apologized. Sometimes that meant he agreed with what I wanted or really felt the LORD was leading me (or us!) to do; sometimes I had been touched by God to agree with him. Still, it was a healing and cleansing thing for us both when he'd apologize to me, or me to him. 

Unity is key. How can we walk together (accomplish God's plan) if we do not agree?

By the way, be sure and say what you want (Mark 11:23,24), for your words have power! Speak Scriptures over your husband and your marriage and yourself. The more, the better!

Above all, speak and do Proverbs 3:5 and 6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge (one version says "submit") Him, and He will direct your paths." This can mean your mental and emotional and marital paths, not just your physical/destiny paths!

Trust God. He's your doting Daddy Who's always got your back. He brought you together with this man for a reason--many reasons, and He wants you to enjoy the journey. Lean on Him, and He will help you! With His wisdom, helps, and grace, you really can have a marriage that has days of "Heaven on earth"!

Through books, courses, presentations, service, prayer, worship, and more, Tonja and her husband live to exalt God. Her series for girls, P.O.W.E.R. GIRL ADVENTURES, is now out (books I-V), along with LEGACY; YOUR HOLY HEALTH: VISIONS OF THE KING, and more. See the "River Rain Creative" YT channel.