|
THE HEART THAT CAN'T FORGIVE
by Teresa Altman "Abba Father, Your Word tells me that I must forgive before I can be forgiven. But I CAN'T FORGIVE HER! I want to please you, Father, but I'm still angry. Please teach me how to forgive her. You said I should pray for my enemies. So until the day you remove my anger and unforgiveness, I will obediently pray for her." Those words I prayed for six long years. A profound betrayal by a friend had not only threatened my relationship with my family, but had also threatened my relationship with God. My motivation of prayer was not from the desire to repair my relationship with my friend, but from the desperate desire that God would miraculously erase the all-consuming anger that threatened my relationship with Him. ************* I was a career professional and divorced mother of two young toddlers. Diane was a co-worker and the wife of my ex-husbands best friend. During my marriage, Diane and I had become friends that shared lunches, recipes and evenings together as couples. After my divorce, our friendship cooled rapidly. The phone calls ceased and our heart-to-heart conversations had been reduced to brief, muted exchanges in office hallways. As with many other recently divorced young women, office rumors proliferated around the motives behind my divorce. Every male co-worker that found himself assigned with me to a project, fell victim to unmerciful gossip. I tried to harden myself to the denigration by adopting an aloof demeanor. But, in the end, I chose to escape the endless accusations by finding employment elsewhere. I soon realized that running away or being 'unapproachable' would not protect me from the effect that rumors could have on my character or my family. One cold winter night, just as I had finished bathing and dressing the girls for bed, someone knocked at my front door. When I looked outside and saw my parents with my ex-husband, an unsettling arose within me. Diane had called my ex-husband to inform him of the rumored "transgressions" as though they were fact. Perplexing threats of custody hearings, parenting suitability, and spiritual disgrace grew with intensity throughout that long and grievous night. Anger for Diane swelled within me. For months my thoughts were fixed on visions of revenge. All the while, God persistently pressed two bible verses into my heart... "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14(NKJV). "pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." Matthew 5:44(NKJV). I knew the spirit of anger had disrupted my communion with God, but I also knew I was not able to defeat it from within myself. My heart became heavy and overcome with guilt as I reached out for God to remove the bitterness and forgive my unforgiving heart. Although I had no feelings of forgiveness or compassion for Diane, I chose to faithfully and obediently pray that she receive blessings and salvation... for six long years. Then the inevitable came. One day while grocery shopping, I sent my 8 year old daughter to an adjacent aisle for cereal. She returned with a friend and announced, "Mama, this is Jenny, my new friend at school." To which Jenny exuberantly added, "Hi! My Mom says she use to work with you. Her name is Diane and she's on the next aisle". Oh no!! For six years I had obediently prayed as God had led me to do, but I wasn't ready to forgive her yet. Silently I prayed, "Father, please let this moment pass from me. I'm not ready!" At that very moment, Diane, with buggy in hand, turned and walked down the aisle toward me. Then she stopped. As I looked at her, I noticed something strangely different. I didn't recognize her as the same woman that had shattered my life six years earlier, nor did I see the woman that had once been my friend. Instead, the woman standing before me appeared as a lost and lonely child, afraid of what was before her. An unexpected compassion overwhelmed me. I immediately realized that God had faithfully provided the miracle I'd asked for six years earlier. I had seen Diane through the loving eyes of my Father. The following moments passed with such speed that I can't recall closing the distance between us. My next memory was just holding Diane in my arms and saying, "I love you, Diane."and I meant it. Teresa Altman, http://www.faithwriters.com/websites/my_website.php?id=28787 , an engineer for 25 years, answered God's call to write in 2007. A mother of two and grandmother of six, she lives in Northwest Tennessee. @2007 by Teresa Altman Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |