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CHRISTMAS LINDA PART 3 - FROM EVE TO EVE
by Paul Curtis Christmas Eve It was Christmas Eve and the house was decorated for the season A large fresh cut tree stood in the corner and perfumed the room Adorned by a myriad of assorted baubles and lights Christmas cards of all shapes and sizes adorned every surface And more hung on bright red and green ribbons from the picture rails Bright colored Christmas garlands hung gaily criss-crossing the sealing While outside through a break in the dark clouds A shaft of week winter sunlight shone through the window Reflecting off the garlands and painting random patterns on the walls I sat watching TV in my favorite armchair in the front room Of the house I shared with my wife and soul mate Linda The woman I loved more then life itself Both of us had been married before but Linda was the love of my life We had spent 30 years apart before we found each other again When our own Christmas miracle happened 20 years ago And we have had 20 years of incredible happiness together We had made good use of the years we had together To make up for the lost time we were apart And together we had had the fullest of lives Christmas had always had particular significance for us It was our favorite time of year and had always been so Our most meaningful moments together happened at Christmas time Finding love together, losing each other, finding each other, marrying each other That's why I called her Christmas Linda We did Christmas big and we relished every moment We would pack away all the ornaments and pictures Replacing them with festive decorations we had collected over the years There would be a houseful on Christmas day and Boxing Day Sharing the celebration with family and friends Then we would fly off to the sun for a few weeks Neither of us could abide the New Years holiday So we took ourselves away to enjoy each others company But this year the season held no joy for me Even James Stewart in "It's a wonderful life" could not lift my spirits And the reason for my gloomy disposition Lay in the next room, where the dining table used to stand Where we had so many wonderful Christmas dinners The room full of the happy chatter of good company The table heaving under the weight of Christmas fare But in its place now stood a stark and clinical a hospital bed And laying upon it the most precious thing in my life, Linda Surrounded by all the paraphernalia of terminal illness Her once vibrant body riddled with inoperable tumors Their evil spread consuming her from within The cancer was to far advanced when it was discovered And she refused what little treatment there was on offer She also stubbornly refused to die in hospital or a hospice Saying she wished to die in our home where she had known such happiness How could I refuse her that simple wish? We had a private nurse who sat with her at night and I tended her by day And I watched her dieing by inches every single day The cruelest punishment for being so happy My first wife was taken by cancer And that was hard enough to bare It's always so hard when someone you love suffers But as much as I loved my first wife and as hard as it was to watch her die It was nothing compared to the intolerable despair I felt losing Linda She was not only my wife she was my love, my life, My soul mate, she was the one I would sit with her and read to her Sometimes Dickens, Stephen King or Tom Sharpe Depending on her frame of mind On her brighter days she would have me tell her jokes She always said I was the only one who could make her laugh Her brown hair with its soft curls had long since turned silver And the sparkle was only rarely present in her eyes The laughter that used to play around them replaced by pain And it was on the morning of that Christmas Eve When she told me what she wanted for Christmas She was always at her best in the morning But on that morning she was having a good day After she had eaten breakfast she asked me to pass her jewelry box It was the very first Christmas gift I gave her She often told me it was her most precious possession, after me As I handed it to her she smiled and just for a second There was a glimpse of her loveliness shinning through the pain She patted the bed and bad me sit next to her I sat on the bed next to her and she took my hand "I have to say this to you today because I'm having a good day and I don't know how many good days I've got left" I protested that she was being silly, she squeezed my hand Then gave me a look which said that I knew she wasn't She opened her jewelry box and from a draw within Took out a neatly folded handkerchief which she carefully unfolded And inside were a dozen capsules containing her medication She looked at me with her soulful eyes pleading with me As the realization of what she was asking sank in I shook my head On her good days she had salted away some of her medication Until she now had enough to hasten the end She squeezed my hand again and said "Please do this for me" She didn't want me to do it there and then She just wanted me to agree to do it when the time came But the time would be very soon "It's the only gift you can give me this Christmas" She looked in to my eyes and said "I love you more than anything in the world And I know with all my heart that you love me" I could say nothing as tears welled up in my eyes "Please do this thing for me" she pleaded My heart was breaking at the choice I must make Let her suffer or end her suffering and kill her I said "I just can't do it" and I got up and left the room She didn't call after me she knew I would be back With tears streaming down my face I grabbed my coat And went out the door and went for a walk The day was cold, grey and damp And clouds scudded across the December sky Any hint of the promised sunny intervals was not in evidence It was the kind of day that chilled you to the bone But I didn't feel it at all I just felt numb You had to be alive to feel the cold and I was dieing inside I walked for miles under the grey skies Along the woodland paths we used to walk together My mind in turmoil my eyes red with tears If I did what she wanted I would lose her forever The loss of her would be devastating But not to let her go would just be selfish My head was spinning I didn't know which way to turn Images of the happy moments together swam in and out of focus Then as I walked into a clearing in the woods Where once we had made love on a sultry afternoon There was a sudden break in the clouds And the woods were bathed in winter sunshine And all at once I knew what I must do When I returned to the house I went straight to her bedside She was sleeping; so I sat on the chair beside her bed And rested my head on the bed beside her Then I felt her hand gently stroking my hair I sat up and her hand moved to my cheek I took it in my own and kissed it softly and said "I'll do what ever you want me to do" New Years Eve Christmas had past and I was glad of it It was without doubt the worst Christmas of my life Full of tears and sadness instead of happiness and laughter There was no wondrous Christmas feast No table laden with Christmas delights No hearty laughter or light hearted banter Just an endless stream of visitors, friends and family As cheery as was possible, putting on a brave face All coming with forced smiles to bring the seasons greetings But all leaving with tears knowing she would not see the spring I know I sound ungrateful and I'm not really But every visit ate into the precious time Linda and I had left I knew how important it was to Linda to see everyone Even the doctor called in to make sure she was comfortable And in between visits I would sit watching the needles dropping from the tree As if each dropping needle symbolized Linda's plight And as I sat alone in my favorite armchair on New Years Eve Staring at the pine needles scattered beneath the tree I tried to come to terms with the fact that Linda would die with the old year Since Christmas Eve when she made her request Linda had been in good spirits She had seen everyone in the world that mattered to her And said all the things she needed to say So Linda had decided that morning that enough was enough I tried to remain cheerful for her but she could see through it "I know you're hurting too" she said the pain etched in her face And with that we made our plans for our last day together I phoned the nurse telling her she should have the night off To enjoy the celebrations with her family She was very grateful and accepted my explanation without question I filled the room with lighted candles and in the flickering light Linda and I spent the evening together looking at photographs And reliving the great times of our life together We played the music that formed the soundtrack of our lives Then an hour before midnight she handed me the folded handkerchief I opened it and inside were now close to twenty capsules One by one I broke them open emptying the contents into a wine glass I filled the glass with Port and gave it a stir And I put the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the bed Then I took her hand and kissed it and lent forward and kissed her mouth I started to say good bye but she put her hand to my mouth Then I reached over and picked up the glass And held it up to her lips and she took a drink Then a little more and a little more until the glass was empty I wiped her mouth with the hanky and she burped And she laughed that wonderful laugh The candles sputtered and the flames flickered Then she said "I love you so very much" squeezing my hand "I love you too" I said as I sat holding her hand in mine And then we just sat in silence looking at each other until her eyes closed The Village clock began chiming the hour Her hand went limp and her breathing became shallow And then all the pain in her face was suddenly gone The clock chimed twelve marking the passing of the old year And also unknowingly marked Linda's passing I don't know how long I sat there holding her dead hand With the tears streaming down my face But as I sat there I knew what had to be done I poured myself a large whisky and sat in my favorite armchair Where I wrote a long letter explaining what I had done And what I was about to do With the letter written I put it into an envelope And placed it on the mantelpiece where it would be easily found Then I drank my whisky and reached into my pocket And removed the contents placing them on my lap Then I filled the syringe with the insulin I had stolen from the doctor's bag And injected myself with the full syringe And as my eyes grew heavy I could feel Linda's hand on my shoulder And felt her fingers in my hair as I drifted into a coma And she whispered "I love you" in my ear as my eyes closed When my eyes opened again I couldn't believe what I saw It was a place that was familiar to me and it was snowing And the street was full of happy smiling people And there amongst them was Linda larger than life, vivacious and self assured Covered with snowflakes and laughing My snow angel, my Christmas Linda With snow covering her like sugar on a doughnut Wrapped up against the cold in a woolen hat and coat And a long knitted scarf draped about her neck She shook her head and her light brown hair danced about her shoulders And the snowflakes fell away from her soft curls Only to be replaced by fresh ones There was a rosy redness on her cheeks and she was young again We were both young again and we had gone back 50 years She threw herself at me and hugged me tightly I smelled her hair as I held her and was intoxicated by her scent We were stood at the taxi stand and snow fell onto Linda's soft curls We took our place in the queue and we kissed All too soon a taxi arrived but this time we both got in And through the winter wonderland we departed this time never to be apart again I am a fifty something family man with a passion for writing and I draw inspiration from those around me. paul.curtis1956 @ btinternet.com http://www.dreamagic.com/poetry/poetry.html http://www.peculiar-poetry.com/ Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |