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Lord, thank you and forgive me.
by martin alvarez Is it ever too late? I suppose so. There are some things, opportunities in life, that we miss out on. Opportunities that we knowingly pass up, regardless of how much it weighs down on us, how much it hurts us. Our whole futures changed because of a "no". We sit around afterwards moping, blaming the world around us, the people that surround us for the paths our life has taken, for the path we have chosen. Ha, not even seeing the mess we're in, not even feeling the pain we've caused ourselves, do we accept responsibility for our decisions our action or non-actions. "Damn the world, damn them all," our only possible way of remaining sane, of being happy even if we know it's false, is through blaming the world around us. So what happens when that world stops taking responsibility for our actions? What happens when others refuse to take the blame? What happens? Well, that's when we realize how screwed we are. That's when we open our eyes, not by choice but by intervention, and see the darkness all around us. It becomes apparent that the light we had been seeing was simply a memory of the light we once knew. We had traveled this far with our eyes closed and now have reached a dead end, or worse fallen into a whole so deep that the only sounds we hear are those of the daemons from the depths of hell scratching at our feet. Yes, the paths we take, the decisions we make, add up and lead us here, there, somewhere, nowhere, and we never see it coming. When we finally open our eyes we're lost, scared, insecure, tears away from suicide, and even that thought scares us too much to become a reality. I realize that I knowingly ran from every positive opportunity that presented itself. What was I trying to do, make myself the victim. Was I not contempt with the life I was dealt? Did I want' more drama, did I want more sympathy? I remember thinking to myself that things were always too easy. Maybe I wanted more of a challenge. Maybe I was giving myself a handicap so that when I emerged victorious I could have a greater tale to tell. I was the hopeless romantic of the road to success stories. Every time I saw my chance for success within my grasp, I sabotaged my chances and botched it. If I was about to cross the finish line, then it was too easy. I could not have possibly earned it yet. I was screwed up in the head. No, wait, I made myself out to think that too ha, another excuse. After making myself out to be a looser for such long time, I started to believe it. Like everything else, one's state of mind is achieved through repetition and practice. How we force ourselves to perceive the possible outcomes will determine our actions toward achieving success, or accepting failure. Needles to say I had formed a loosing habit, and had become great at maintaining positive when failure was inevitable. Brushing off my faults had become as easy as breathing. I spent most of my time preparing for failure, and coming up with great excuses that would move and woe those I told my stories to. I was a "I was this close," story teller. You all know the kind, we see them at bars, at our jobs, at the bus stops, in jail/prison, school we see them everywhere. "I was this close," "I could've been this, but then that happened," "Man if you knew me before, you would've seen me in my prime." I was the person parents warn their children about. I was the boogie man, the antichrist, the reason people prayed to God. I the person other loosers compared themselves to to feel better. Be careful, you may count me as down and out, but if you're saying to yourself, "well I'm not that bad yet." then I'll save a seat for you right next to me. I actually learned this watching a pool hustling movie one day, a looser only looks to a looser to feel better. Winners, warriors they only look up, always up. Loosers surround themselves with failures so as not to feel lonely. Winners, they don't mind being lonely, so long as they're on right path. If God is perfect, a winner will always strive to be like him. The mentality is "If I shoot for perfection, and fall short, how can anyone call me a failure." If I walk the narrow path, love those around me, live to serve, to be like Jesus even if I know I will never measure up, but still put in every effort, every ounce of my being to try, then who care if I fall short. How great are would that be. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Being able to commit to a life of light, to a light of hope, success, of God, is beyond me, and yet it's all wish for now. It brings tears to my eyes because I know that even when the I gave up on myself, the Lord didn't give up on me. I know that jut like my parents refuse to believe I was a looser, the Lord always believed in me. I know this, and as I roam in my dark cave, running my hands against the walls looking for a path that will lead me to freedom, I turn my head desperately in hopes of catching a glimpse of the light that my parents lit on the day of my baptism. I look for that light, and even as I sit here and think, as I write these black confessions against this white landscape, I shed tears. If the Lord seeks me out, how do I know he didn't already find me, ask me to follow, and like everything else, I botched it. I refused. I ran in the opposite direction convincing myself that I couldn't possibly have earned it. Actually, I'm sure I've turned his help down, I can remember multiple times that he asked me to follow, and I refused. I chose to follow the daemons around me, the alcohol, the night life, the easy woman, the fast cash, and cheap thrills. I chose my cage. I chose my torture. I chose my life, and lack thereof one. I chose to be the black sheep of my family, the example for parents to warn their children. Lord almighty, I chose to reject you from my life. I chose to deny you, not just three times, but over and over. I chose to turn you in for the cheap glamour of the world. I betrayed your love and have felt empty ever since, constantly seeking new daemons to fill the void. Lord I chose the world, I chose this life, and now I choose to ask for your forgiveness, for I see the glimmer of light that I so desperately prayed for. I see the white candle, with it's gold designs. I see it in the hands of my daughters and wife. And although the flame seems weak, I know it's within my power to make it grow. It scares me to know, that it's up to me to save my life. I sit here, scared senseless with the knowledge that my life once more is awaiting a decision that will lead me to salvation, or keep me here, affording me another tale of woe and despair. Lord, I can't go on too much longer. I see all the doors closing, the windows are slowly shutting. I don't have any ideas, any thoughts on how to make those around me smile again. Lord I'm suffocating. Help me be the man I need to be. Help me move forward. Help me follow the light that leads to you. Help me and my family find that peace, the peace that only come from you, from having you in our lives. Please!! Warm our hearts, our thoughts, our lives. Please!! Forgive my trespasses. I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me. I feel the weight of the world, destroying my hopes, my dreams, my family. Please lord, lend a hand. I know you have reached out to me before and I refused, but look at me Father, I understand I still need you. I want you in my life. I want you in my family's life. I wish for your blessing. I wish for you forgiveness. I pray for your love. Complain and complain!! That's all you hear from me. But Father, I'd like to thank you for my beautiful wife, a loving step daughter that sacrifices everything to see others smile, and healthy baby girl who can only see the light in everything around her. The very same things that scare me, that make me pray for your help, that help me see the error of my ways, make me thank you daily. Thank you father, I put my faith and trust in you. Thank you for my family, my parents, my past and future. I know you will help deliver me onto a better, brighter future. So please hear my pleads and help me find the salvation I so desperately desire. Help me find the strength I need to follow your path, to live a life that you would approve of. Thank you, and please forgive me. I am a proud husband and father. I am a hardworking and God loving person. Or at least I've come to be. I've traveled through many dark regions of this world, and given into many temptations, but the Lord never gave up on me, and now I'm here. Thanks to the Lord, I can share my stories. Article Source: http://www.faithwriters.com |